It was Neil Young who once stated its better to burn out than fade away. I'm not sure I will be aloud to do either. i seem to continue to be pulled back to my own shadow. I used to be a much worse person than this. And I have tried to be a better person. No... After all it's been I can't call myself a person anymore. I have come far. I've helped people and saved people and devoted all i had to making every person around me feel the joy I have just to be cared for. But no matter how much I do and no matter how good I feel to have helped all the people I have..... It's still there. who i was I've tried for a long time to let go of. but every bully, every question, every day of my life something is there to remind me that what i have done is not an shouldn't be forgiven. And that for all the goodness i feel and all the help i give i am still the same as i was. It eats away at the lining of my mind every day. I was a monster. I still am. And as hard as i try it takes a little piece every time. every time i tell of some asshole who thinks he can pick on girls, every time i feel angry and worst of all every time I close my eyes. God. That was what held me in place. Everything about me seems to be falling apart. Even my faith is pushed on from all sides. And i can't explain this fully. not without telling people things i will never say. I wont. I can't. Its 2 AM. This has been getting more and more regular for me. I don't eat except for dinner mostly because of the family. I can't seem to feel cold. No matter how cold i make something even when i feel myself shiver. Its so hot. Is it all in my head. Has trying to fight myself made me crazy? All i know is i can't ask for help. I tried. a friend of mine. I think she's been avoiding me sense. I don't blame her. In spite of it all if i can do some good before I fall apart maybe I can at least have that to hold on to.